Where am I? How did I get here? What am I doing? What am I supposed to be doing? Where am I going next? Can I get there already? What is my purpose? Can I just give up on today & get back in bed? Is this feeling normal? When will it subside? What is going to make me happy?
Who am I?
These are the questions I have been asking myself essentially every day since I have been home. I only thought I was sitting in the hallway of life before...I am truly in the hallway now and I. Hate. It. I know my life isn't in complete shambles & I am much better off than so many other people in the world, but I'm struggling, y'all. My time back at home has been an emotional, psychological, and physical (stress apparently carries around 10 pounds just in case you need it.) roller coaster. Remember this post? Yeah, not much has changed. In re-reading that blog, I'm realizing that these feelings are cyclical in nature and I'm reminded of a quote I keep seeing on Pinterest: "If you're tired of starting over, then stop giving up." So this is me breaking the cycle.
At the end of my internship, I had a vision: Get home, relax, keep applying for jobs, get a lead on a job, pass my presentation and officially graduate, get hired, move to a new city, start a new fun life, live happily ever after. Yeah, I gotta say it ain't workin' out so far. I can exhaust all options and resources, have the perfect resume and cover letter, scour websites and job boards all day long, but at the end of each and every day, the reality is I'm not in control. I spend days wondering what my purpose is and just what it is I'm supposed to be doing to pass the time. Get a part-time job. Work out. Volunteer. Well, OK, I'm trying. I just hate being in transition. Let's face the facts: I'm not happy & my life is not where I hoped it'd be at this point. Are there many worse feelings than being ready for something and wanting something so badly, but there's nothing you can do to speed up the process? I know there are some serious lessons to be learned from this experience, but have I mentioned that I'm really ready for what's next? I understand that a job, a move, and a new apartment isn't the ultimate formula for happiness, but it would at least give me a sense of direction.
I just need something to do with my hands. Besides drink, eat, and sleep because that cycle is obviously not working out thus far. Unfortunately, it's hard to make the right decisions most of the time. Keeping a positive outlook is exhausting. It's less work allowing yourself to become overwhelmed by emotions you don't understand and let negativity take over, and when that happens, it's even easier to let the snowball keep rolling until you're drinking to pass the time, eating to cover up your frustrations, and then sleeping the afternoon away. If you asked me what I'd be doing when I finished grad school, this is not exactly what I had in mind. It's just such a hard reality to face when I was so happy before I left my island bubble. But it was just that -- a bubble. An experience. Life doesn't exist in a vacuum. You've got to learn how to bob & weave and maintain sanity while dodging the curveballs (Yes, I am aware that I just made references to boxing, bullets, and baseball in the same sentence.).
**At this point, you could be very well thinking that I am mentally unstable & need serious help -- and that's OK because you're entitled to your own opinion.
When you feel like you're at a low point in life, things can only go up. "It's always darkest before the dawn" is not only a fact but a commonly-used phrase for a reason: Sometimes things have to get really bad before you put your life in perspective, see how far you've come, and where you want to go. Only when we realize that the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change will we actually make some alterations to our way of thinking and living. And then things get really good. Because you remember that "this, too, shall pass" and that you don't get different results by continuing to do things in the same unsuccessful manner. At some point, you've got to "buck up," "sack up", or "put your big girl panties on" and start behaving like the person you want to be. Eventually, you'll stop wanting to be that person & actually become that person.